Bachelor #47

When my friend S met Bachelor #47 online, she quickly realized he was more my demographic than hers, so she passed him along. I think I may have reached a new low: I'm now taking hand-me-down dates from my friends.

But according to S, Bachelor #47 was cute, funny, Jewish, successful, and very interesting to talk to. She did warn, however, that he's JUST A LITTLE opinionated. No problem, I thought. Who isn't A LITTLE opinionated? I've been known to voice an opinion of my own now and then. I can take him.

So he called, and indeed, he was quite the conversationalist. Somehow we got on the topic of religion, which he VERY ADAMANTLY does not believe in. Yup, he's got opinions. Fortunately I tend to lean the same way on that topic, so that was OK. I told him I'm not religious either and don't keep kosher, except for a teeny bit of leftover brainwashing from childhood that makes all things pork-related completely unappealing.

Well, Bachelor #47 was having none of that! He was going to cure me of my silly 40-year-strong brainwashing once and for all. And so for our first date, I agreed to let him take me Pork Hopping.

Yes, you heard it hear first, folks. PORK HOPPING. Couldn't make it up if I tried. You've heard of bar hopping, where you hit a bunch of bars in one night? Well, Pork Hopping is sort of like that, only with a lot more saturated fat.

Here are the rules of Pork Hopping: Wherever we go, we can only order pork products. No carbs, no veggies, no sides. Just pork, all pork, all the time. And I have to at least try everything we order. Man, am I a good sport.

For our first stop, we went to a diner. He ordered two things: bacon, and back bacon. Mmm mmmm. In actuality bacon I can handle. But back bacon, on the other hand, YUCK. Still, it was all in good fun, so I tried it.

Then we went to a Greek place and ordered ... you guessed it ... pork souvlaki. No pita, no tzatziki, just pork-on-a-stick. I begged for a salad but he wasn't bending. I was getting the feeling bending wasn't something Bachelor #47 was especially good at.

Next stop was a steakhouse. Before he confiscated my menu, I saw that they had grilled shrimp and filet mignon and all kinds of things I actually LIKE, but oh lucky me, Bachelor #47 was taking care of the ordering: pork chops and ribs. Sure, lots of people like ribs and I'm sure someone out there actually likes pork chops, but I was really hungry by this point. I thought maybe he could let up a little on the gimmicky date and for the love of God, let me order a baked potato. Oh wait, forget the love-of-God thing, I'm out with a crazy ass atheist! Anyway, there was no such consession to be had. Bachelor #47 takes his pork very seriously. He was actually thrilled that I was starving because now I'd really get down to consuming some serious pork. Oh goody.

The thing about forcing people to do things they don't really want to do? Tends to backfire. By the end of dinner, I was so thoroughly disgusted by all that pork I don't think I'll ever go near it again. And we didn't even get to his last planned stop: a local deli for a ham and cheese. Thank whoever-atheists-thank-instead-of-God for that.

And as for Bachelor #47, pork chops weren't the only thing we didn't agree on. As expected, Mr. Opinionated Pants had unbending opinions I didn't happen to agree with on a lot of things. You know, like parenting and relationships. In fact, I think he could come up with a conflicting opinion to just about anything I said. Call me crazy, but I want a boyfriend, not a debating partner.

Still, I'll always think of him whenever I smell bacon.

Next.