Bachelor #52

Happily, while I wait for my next $114 date, while I learn to accept that Bachelor #49 will never call, and while I hide from the lying, hideous men of the Internet, I have good friends who are always on the lookout for dating prospects for me. Naturally, I was thrilled when my friend S called to say her charming husband has a divorced colleague I might be interested in. Might be?? He’s a 48-year old lawyer with 3 teenage kids. She hasn’t actually seen him, but her husband swears he’s good looking. I’m not so sure I trust the male opinion on their own kind, but, with the usual channels on hold, one cannot be too picky.

Email addresses were provided. Plans were made. Pre-date primping was thorough. First impressions were positive. Greetings and pleasantries were exchanged.

And then the interrogation began. It went something like this:

Date Who Thought He Was Conducting a Job Interview: So, what are your hobbies/interests?

Me, Not Yet Realizing I Was Being Interviewed: Well, I just bought a really cute lime green bike. And I’ve taken up gardening. Oh, and do shopping and drinking count as hobbies?

Humourless Date Who Thought He Was Conducting a Job Interview: Hrrumph. I enjoy biking as well. Perhaps we could ride some time. So tell me, where do you want to be in 5 years?

Me, Starting To Catch On, Almost Spitting Out My Drink: Seriously?

Date Who Thought He Was Conducting a Job Interview: Absolutely.

Me, Trying To Come Up With Some Impressive 5-Year Goals Since It Didn’t Occur To Me That I Had To Think Some Up As Part Of Date Prep: Well, I’d like to do some traveling. And I’m hoping to write something. (Inside voice: besides a blog about my bad dates that is, Bachelor #52). And what about you? (Knowing full well he had a canned answer but desperate to make him answer a question before he asks another)

Date Who Thought He Was Conducting a Job Interview: Oh, well, I’m hoping to be happily re-married in 5 years. What I’m doing isn’t as important as who I do it with.

Me, Too Dumbfounded By Bullshit To Think Straight: Right. Of course. I meant that too.

Date Who Thought He Was Conducting a Job Interview: What are you looking for in a relationship?

Me (out loud): Someone I want to go out on a second date with would be just awesome. (In my head: What I’m looking for in THIS relationship is an excuse to get OUT.)

Humourless Date Who Thought He Was Conducting a Job Interview: Hrrumph. Really, you must be looking for more than that?

Me (out loud): Well, if the thought of seeing him naked doesn’t make me throw up, that’s a pretty big bonus too.

Humourless Date Who Thought He Was Conducting a Job Interview: Well, I think intellectual compatibility is the most important thing. Where did you go to school?

Me, Wishing I’d Brought A Resume Along: Would you look at the time.

Date Who Thought He Was Conducting a Job Interview: Don’t be silly. It’s early. I still have a lot of questions I’d like to ask you. Tell me, what three things do you miss most about being in a relationship?

Me, Near Desperation: Gee, you know, there are so many. But I have an early morning. Waiter?

Next.