Here’s my burning question du jour: to hope (online) or not to hope? When one is bored enough to subject oneself to the torture that is online dating, and one is engaged in email conversation with a rare prospect who hasn’t frightened you with shirtless photos, incorrect apostrophe use or sexual innuendo, do you remain flirty but cool and detached at all times, or do you allow yourself to engage in blatant optimism, exposing the ultimate hope we all conceal beneath that cucumber-cool facade?
The reason I ask is, of course, because I find myself in the midst of an email exchange about which I am utterly torn. In writing, he is charming, articulate and chivalrous. He is generous with compliments and overt in his optimism that the stars may have finally aligned and I could be “the one.” Shouldn’t I be enjoying this virtual wooing? Shouldn’t I be flattered by the kind words? Shouldn’t I allow myself to get caught up in the crazy possibility that maybe, just maybe, he’s right? Why am I so much more comfortable with a quick “Hi, liked your profile” when at the heart of the matter, romance is what I crave? Here it is on a silver platter, and I find myself squeamish and slow to respond.
Of course, my skepticism is not without justification. If I’ve learned anything about online dating – and Lord knows I’ve had ample opportunity to – it’s that no matter how great someone seems in words and pictures, you can’t know if you like them until you meet in the flesh. But the question is, does a little pre-date cyber-romance improve the chances that it won’t be just another painful hour that can’t end fast enough? Or does it only serve to make the inevitable disappointment that much more bitter?
My instinct is to nip this nonsense in the bud. Let’s just stop this silly optimism and cut to the awkward meeting. But am I sabotaging my own chances? Am I doing myself a disservice by refusing to dream? Should I learn to stop shutting up and play along?
Anyone out there care to de-lurk and inject some wisdom into this conundrum?
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12 comments:
Perhaps a little woo via email - give yourself some fun with words. Perhaps it will build a little more excitement at the thought of meeting Mr. Bachelor and will take some of the awkwardness out of it for you. It might give you both a small head start on getting to know each a wee bit before meeting.
Maybe just a little cyberwooing might be, could be fun? That's just me and my 2 cents (which you know is all I can afford).
In my opinion, anyone who tells you that you might be the one over email is suspect. Have you even spoken on the phone? I think that helps more than anything but like you pointed out there is no substitute for the face to face meeting.
JGO - that is exactly my thinking. All that crazy build-up can only lead to an insanely awkward moment when I can't stand the sight of him in person.
Sorority - love you for your limitless optimism but have you been smoking something???
OK - if he actually said "the One" or "stars align" in an email than no - no woo at all. Do the face-to-face with Mr. Cyberwoo and call it a day.
Who says that shiz in an email - seriously!
My optimism has now come to an end. I am back to my usual cynical self!
I was never into the lengthy online courtship. The sooner we meet, the better. Because (if you've ready one of my previous posts, I mention this) no matter how long you've "known" one another online, it's like starting over when you meet.
I'm with jgo, though. That "the one" thing should make you RUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN.
And I agree with you on Dad's post about intimacy. Totally depressing. I mean, I have a guy and even I was depressed reading that! ;)
I say you're being realistic. Save that feeling of thrill and expectation and hope for after you've met him and found out he's as great in person as he is over email (and I have hope that you WILL find that guy soon!)
Agree 100% with jgo. It is too easy to be fooled with emails. Wait for a real-life meeting before you jump to any conclusion.
I say let yourself go and enjoy it.
I doubt he meant it the way it comes off.
Right?
Right?!
Yeah, I'm with cathouse teri. Lengthy online flirting without a face to face meeting can only set you up for disaster. Face to face needs to happen - to check to make sure he wears matching socks, is articulate in person and not just when he has hours to craft his email, and that you have some basic chemistry.
So, you can enjoy the flirting temporarily, I guess, but always remember in the back of your mind that the truth will come out in the in person meeting.
Research indicates that 10s of millions of people in the US are doing online dating, and MOST are not satisfied with the experience.
It does not work.
Malcolm Gladwell's book "Blink" explains that chemistry is felt in the blink of an eye, in person. Not articulated in checkboxes and online prose.
Flirt with a guy at your local coffee shop or produce market! As a single dad trying to meet single woman, I'd be most obliged.
Just to clarify, I never intended to prolong the emailing -- I definitely know better than THAT. My question was about the TONE of the email -- matter of fact, or romantically optimistic? My instinct is certainly the former, but what I've been wondering about is whether or not my cynicism is making matters worse, not better.
Dad's House - re:online dating in general, I tend to agree, except that THREE of my closest friends met their very delightful husbands on the very site I'm struggling with, which is why I keep going back. Believe me, I'm always on the lookout at Starbucks and the grocery store but no luck so far, and sometimes I feel the need to be a little more proactive. It seems Mr. Right needs a bit of help finding me.
As others have stated, the use of "The One" without meeting is almost creepy in a "you're trying WAY too hard to find someone for the sake of finding someone, buddy." BUT - I can say from personal and extremely successful experience - if you are approached online from a guy that makes you really laugh or writes something different that gets to you somehow – start bantering via email. Heck, you are a writer and a great one - so use it! Not IM, not text - real emails. Consider them the love letters of the 21st Century.
If it gets to the point that you are excitedly checking your email to see if he responded (and you can tell from his quick replies to your emails that he is too), then eventually take it to the phone. I wouldn't do this prior to a week or two - maybe longer. Let this build gradually. Get to know each other for a while. Then, after you and he really feel like there is a basis for a friendship, THEN go out for dinner or appys and a few drinks somewhere to see if the chemistry you built up over time translates to the face-to-face.
The excitement of FINALLY meeting someone you've started to talk to (sometimes a couple of times a day) before you meet can really kick things off in the right way. The first date becomes less clinical and the whole up and down you would give each other if you just met up after barely getting to know anything more than each other's online profile is replaced by "Ok, so I am not crazy about his shoes, but he's made me laugh for weeks/months! And I really want to hear about that job interview he was so excited about yesterday.’, instead of awkward silences and materialistic once-overs and comparisons to the photos you and he have posted.
Look - none of us look like a 2-D photo that we posted online (even if it really was taken this week). And, what really matters in finding someone more than a makeout buddy is what is on the inside, right? Don't rush into meeting to see if there is physical chemistry that very second. Wait - communicate - develop a friendship. Only then does this seem to work.
One of my best friends – the one who sent me the link to this site today actually – is the queen of 20 minute coffee dates. She says she doesn’t have the patience to go for the slow getting’ to know ya’ thing. But, it seems that very few of my friends who met up with one of the ones that had potential quickly ever got it off the ground. It’s just too much damn pressure, or, it was all based on a photo and a well-worded summary in 200 words or less. Any wonder why these dates disappoint one or both of the people involved?
How do I now this? I am about to marry the third man I have met online, and this is how we did it. The first two I didn't get to know as well, and I now see why it didn't go beyond the "eh, he was ok" factor. It’s like trying to build a house on sand. On a cliff. In an earthquake. There is no foundation. It was so different with this man, because not only did he have me laughing from his emails (which, than God were inclusive of great grammar, spelling, punctuation and NO BLOODY TEXT-STYLE ABBREVIATIONS). What's more - I seemed to get him. The emails were clever and not only held my interest, but I found myself wanting more and more. He recently told me that it was the same thing that drew him to me. We emailed then spoke on the phone for 2 months (yup - TWO) before we met. I told him that chemistry is so rare, so let's think of it as meeting up with a new friend and see where it goes from there - which took the pressure off.
Now, don't get me wrong - I wasn't throwing myself in his lap on the first date (which, admittedly I have been know to do after a couple of margaritas). I thought he was nice, and cute, but it took about 3 months of dating before it kicked me between the eyes that I was falling for him.
Gradual is good. Don't worry so much about taking your time. If you need to put on your heels and have fun on a Friday night - meet up with one of the others in the meantime to explore your options. But the ones that really reel you in with their personalities - let that simmer a while. It will pay off in spades.
So - in a humoungous nutshell - get to know him a bit longer over email. The whole "The One" thing may present iself as an ongoing desperation, or perhaps a momentary blip of egoless honesty on his part. See what happens. Don't be so quick to meet. And if this works out as well for you as it did for me, what will you turn your blog into? :)
And, you are SO right about the shirtless photos. WHY do they do that? Eeeeeewwwwwwwww! As others have stated, the use of "The One" without meeting is almost creepy in a "you're trying WAY too hard to find someone for the sake of finding someone, buddy." BUT - I can say from personal and extremely successful experience - if you are approached online from a guy that makes you really laugh or writes something different that gets to you somehow – start bantering via email. Heck, you are a writer and a great one - so use it! Not IM, not text - real emails. Consider them the love letters of the 21st Century.
If it gets to the point that you are excitedly checking your email to see if he responded (and you can tell from his quick replies to your emails that he is too), then eventually take it to the phone. I wouldn't do this prior to a week or two - maybe longer. Let this build gradually. Get to know each other for a while. Then, after you and he really feel like there is a basis for a friendship, THEN go out for dinner or appys and a few drinks somewhere to see if the chemistry you built up over time translates to the face-to-face.
The excitement of FINALLY meeting someone you've started to talk to (sometimes a couple of times a day) before you meet can really kick things off in the right way. The first date becomes less clinical and the whole up and down you would give each other if you just met up after barely getting to know anything more than each other's online profile is replaced by "Ok, so I am not crazy about his shoes, but he's made me laugh for weeks/months! And I really want to hear about that job interview he was so excited about yesterday.’, instead of awkward silences and materialistic once-overs and comparisons to the photos you and he have posted.
Look - none of us look like a 2-D photo that we posted online (even if it really was taken this week). And, what really matters in finding someone more that a make-out buddy is what is on the inside, right? Don't rush into meeting to see if there is physical chemistry that very second. Wait - communicate - develop a friendship. Only then does this seem to work.
One of my best friends – the one who sent me the link to this site today actually – is the queen of 20 minute coffee dates. She says she doesn’t have the patience to go for the slow getting’ to know ya’ thing. But, it seems that very few of my friends who met up with one of the ones that had potential quickly ever got it off the ground. It’s just too much damn pressure, or, it was all based on a photo and a well-worded summary in 200 words or less. Any wonder why these dates disappoint one or both of the people involved?
How do I know this? I am about to marry the third man I have met online, and this is how we did it. The first two I didn't get to know as well, and I now see why it didn't go beyond the "Eh, he was ok" factor. It’s like trying to build a house on sand. On a cliff. In an earthquake. There is no foundation. It was so different with this man, because not only did he have me laughing from his emails (which, than God were inclusive of great grammar, spelling, punctuation and NO BLOODY TEXT-STYLE ABBREVIATIONS). But also – we seemed to get each other. The emails were clever and not only held my interest, but I found myself wanting more and more. He recently told me that it was the same thing that drew him to me. We emailed then spoke on the phone for 2 months (yup - TWO) before we met. I told him that chemistry is so rare, so let's think of it as meeting up with a new friend and see where it goes from there - which took the pressure off.
Now, don't get me wrong - I wasn't throwing myself in his lap on the first date (which, admittedly I have been know to do after a couple of margaritas). I thought he was nice, and cute, but it took about 3 months of dating before it kicked me between the eyes that I was falling for him.
Gradual is good. Don't worry so much about taking your time. If you need to put on your heels and have fun on a Friday night - meet up with one of the others in the meantime to explore your options. But the ones that really reel you in with their personalities - let that simmer a while. It will pay off in spades.
So - in a HUMONGOUS nutshell - get to know him a bit longer over email. The whole "The One" thing may present iself as an ongoing desperation, or perhaps a momentary blip of egoless honesty on his part. See what happens. Don't be so quick to meet. And if this works out as well for you as it did for me, what will you turn your blog into? :)
And, you are SO right about the shirtless photos. WHY do they do that? WHY? Eeeeeewwwwwwwww!
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