The most amazing thing happened the other day. At least, I thought it was amazing, until I read the fine print.
You see, I have a bit of a weed problem in my new front yard. The backyard is a vision of loveliness, where I sit as we speak, glass of Pinot in hand, savoring the delights of buzzed blogging. But I digress... To say that I have a bit of a weed problem is like saying that guy they had to forklift out of his house needs to lose a few pounds. It's more of an infestation. Sadly, at the moment, I am a little house-poor and unable to afford the services of the hot young team of landscapers I really need. So out I trot for a couple hours every weekend, array of weeding devices of varying degrees of uselessness in hand, attempting the equivalent of emptying the ocean one eyedropper-full at a time, so determined (read: STUPID) am I.
I promise I am boring you with the scope of my weeding problem for a reason. And yes, it is entirely related to the dating fiasco du jour. So there I was, mud stained shorts, sweaty brow, weeding away, when an attractive young dark-haired man slows down in front of my house and says, in all his wisdom, "You have a weed problem."
Naturally, I had no choice but to respond with some sarcastic quip along the lines of "Really? I do? Thanks for pointing that out. I had no idea."
And then he told me he has a landscaping business. Interestingly enough he didn't actually have any straight answers about what I might do that's more effective than the 18-year plan I'm currently on. But maybe that was because that's only one of his areas of expertise. He also plans parties and used to be a real estate agent.
Anyway, he handed me his card, you know, in case I ever need (semi)-professional landscaping help. And then he drove away.
And then a few minutes later he came back, pulled over again, and told me that he really didn't want me to call him for landscaping help. He just wanted me to call him. Actually, he'd rather call me if I would give him my number.
Now, all of this was very flattering, especially given the advanced state of grunginess I was in at the time. And it was really hot and I was probably delirious with sun stroke. And a little bored. So I gave him my number.
It was only as he drove away that I noticed the earring. Strike 1.
Then I went inside to get cleaned up, figuring I'd accomplished quite enough for one day. After all, I'd pulled 6 weeds and picked up one Italian. And without ever leaving my own front yard. Not bad! But before I could even set foot in the shower, he called. A little too eager. Strike 2.
Now, the thing with meeting total strangers in random real-world places is you don't get to read a profile and clear the basic stats first. So here's what I found in the first phone call:
- he's 35, never married, no kids. Strike 3,4,5.
- he smokes. Strike 6.
- he has a dog. Strike 7. I hate dogs.
- in addition to the landscaping, banking and party planning, he also runs what can only be described as an illicit poker house, which, for all I know, could very well be a mafia money laundering operation. Or worse. Strike 8. You're OUT.
So I lied and said I had no free nights all week.
And so he called the next day. 4 times. Since I am a very mature woman and a highly effective communicator, I didn't answer. Then I got a "private number" call, which usually means it's my friend S. So I answered. Have you ever been blatantly busted? Oh boy. Not good. Not good at all. Obviously, under the circumstances, the mature thing to do would have been to lie again and tell him I've met someone else.
So I told him I was too busy to talk.
I think he may have gotten the hint, but Karma is going to kick me in the ass but good for this one.
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10 comments:
"Illicit," not "elicit." (Sorry about being anal there.)
I also do the "fight the weeds" thing. Have you done any on-line research for some simple things you might want to do? I also recommend listening to a gardening show on a local radio station.
I used to have a bit of a weed problem, but I found that appkying lime once a year helps (get a spreader if you don't already have one). If the weeds are particularly thick, you might need to mow them down really low in the fall, stir up the soil with a tiller, put new grass seed and topsoil, and water it so you see the seedlings come up.
I used some of the programs here courtesy of a Washington, DC area radio station:
http://protrustproducts.com/turftrust/lawnprograms.htm
It might take a couple of years for things to turn around, but my wife was pretty happy with the results (and the fact that it all cost less than hiring a professional). You can definitely do this yourself.
Del - I am MORTIFIED to be caught with a spelling error, but in my own defense I did mention the pinot!
Thanks for the tips. It sounds like a LOT of work for a single girl though. I was sort of hoping I could continue along this useless path until I find a nice (non-mafia-related) man who will take pity on me and come over with a roto-tiller!
A typo in 'Dating at Forty'? Say it isn't so! Do you think the wine had anything to do with that? :)
I have a great garden. I weed whack, but have noticed that if I use Preen at the beginning of the season and mulch, less weeding throughout the season.
Try Preen. Apply at beginning of next season and put mulch area.
I've noticed a huge difference since I started using it.
DAF,
Hey, it's OK, my father was an editor. The lawn stuff really isn't that bad. If you look at the schedules at the link I provided you, it really takes a couple of hours a month to do these steps (if that, and it depends on the size of your lawn).
Hey, aren't your kids old enough to help you? You don't need any guy to do this, a teenager will do! (Maybe your kids have a friend or two who might want to help?) If you don't have access to a rototiller, get your teenagers (home or hired) to use a rake to break up the soil a bit. Maybe there is some old retired guy in your neighborhood who has a boatload of tools who might help also? (You do know and speak to your neighbors, right?)
You probably can find some of the stuff you need at garage sales or off of Craigslist. (You can find guys there, too, but NEVER MIND.) Definitely invest in a Scotts spreader, they make your job very easy (like pushing a light plastic wheelbarrow).
Bags of lime pellets can be HEAVY (~40 - 50 lbs.) but that's what teenagers are for. But it's cheap and definitely worth it. Weeds like acid and hate lime. Grass loves lime (well, once per year). The best time to apply lime is in late fall so it soaks in over the winter. The other product I use the most is "Turf Trust."
I would recommend going to a smaller garden store where the people who work there actually know their stuff, not to some big box store like Lowes or Home Depot. Again, a neighbor can probably recommend such a place. Just explain that you want your weed farm to be turned into a green grassy lawn, nothing fancy. If you go into such a place, have some measurements ready of lawn size, and, if possible, how much area is really covered with weeds. At my store, people bring in samples of weeds to show the employees to get a better idea of what to fight.
And yeah, definitely enjoy the pinot!
Sorority - I BLAME THE PINOT!!!
Del, LMS - thank you for the gardening tips. As for the notion of my kids being in some way useful? Obviously you haven't met my kids. Brilliant, sweet, funny as hell? Yes. Useful when actual labour is involved? Not so much...
Clearly, you need to give your kids the proper incentive. And start small.
Hi - Lurker here. Coming out of the woodwork to tell you that I really enjoy your blog.
I'm not quite 40 and doing the dating thing as well, your stories are great! I can relate and agree with a lot of your writing. (Typos and all!) :)
Keep it up!
Would the immediate call have provided strike two if you were a bit more smitten and had not noticed strike one? Certainly, I understand the sundry reasons for dismissing this particular candidate from contention. However, I wonder if the same words/actions from a different suitor would not have evoked a different reaction.
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