Bachelor #32

Sometimes, on a blind date, you know in the first 3 seconds that he's definitely not the guy for you. Other times, it creeps up on you slowly over the course of the evening.

At first glance, Bachelor #32 was OK. Decent looking, well dressed, neatly groomed, with a warm, if slightly crooked smile. Conversation flowed easily enough. There was laughter, the usual exchanging of stories. Then gradually, it started to dawn on me: when it was my turn to tell a story, he'd laugh. When it was his turn? I'd find myself thinking about my plans for the weekend.

OK, so he was a little on the boring side. We can't have everything, now can we? But then his cell phone rang. And he answered it. I am pretty sure that is in strict defiance of dating etiquette. So now he's boring and also rude.

And then he told me how much money he makes an hour, and asked me how much my house cost. Does that fall under rude, or cheap? Considering the fact that he got there by bus, I think we can safely say there's a bit of both.

So... boring, rude, and cheap. Three strikes, you're out.

Next.

Bachelor #31

Sometimes I am smart. Sometimes, not so much.

Bachelor #31 only had one picture on his profile, but it was a really good one. It doesn't look like it was taken at the Sears Portrait Studio. He looks active, fit, and actually kinda hot. He's wearing a t-shirt and baseball hat and he seems to have all his teeth. In the right spots and everything.

So we agreed to meet for a drink. I walk into the bar, expecting to meet a sexy dark haired man with a winning smile. But strangely, there is no such person to be found. Perhaps I'm early? But no. Just then, a bald man with an alarmingly large beak-like protrusion in the middle of his face that I soon discover to be his nose approaches and taps me on the shoulder.

Internet Dating Rule # Something or Other: If he's wearing a hat in the picture, he's bald.
Another Very Important Internet Dating Rule: Always insist on seeing more than one picture.

So anyway? I tried to talk to him? But it turns out? He's an uptalker? With a big beak? And no hair?

Next.

Public Service Announcement

I read a lot of men's online profiles, and time after time, I'm struck by the insanity of some of the things they write. I know there's the whole Mars-Venus discrepency to contend with, but seriously, do they think they're actually going to attract women with these things?

So, altruistic soul that I am, I offer these handy tips to the poor saps out there who so obviously need them:

1. Let's talk about sports. Sure, there are women who like sports. But I know I'm not alone in saying I have wasted far too many a Saturday night on Hockey Night in Canada because some guy just couldn't miss the game. And let's not forget the time an ex-boyfriend and I were, well, you know, and he stopped right in the middle and said, and I swear I am not making this up, "Sorry babe, the game is on." So my point (yes, I have one) is this: don't mention your favorite sports team in your profile. Don't use the word "fan" under any circumstances. If you had a big pimple on your back, would you mention it in your profile? The fact that all your relationships end in April because you neglected your girlfriend in favor of March Madness is precisely that attractive.

2. On the topic of kids: To the single mother, the divorced dad is the holy grail. Unlike his still-single buddies, the divorced dad has proven his ability to commit, and, more importantly, can relate to your child-related scheduling challenges. So, in your online dating profile, feel free to mention that you love your kids. HOWEVER, if the first sentence in your profile is "My son means the world to me and is the center of my existence," what do you think that says to the women who may have otherwise been dumb enough to consider dating you? It says don't expect much attention. And we LIKE attention.

3. Can we talk about originality here? I know, not everyone has a knack for writing and it's hard to come up with something clever and original to say in your profile. But for the love of God, PLEASE can we all agree to eliminate the following grossly overused lines from all online profiles from here to eternity? Please?

World's Most Overused Online Dating Profile Cliches:

- "My friends say, I'm ..." Good for you. You have friends. Or at least imaginary ones.
- "I'm just as comfortable in jeans as I am in a tuxedo." Why don't you just say "I'm just as comfortable sitting as standing." Tells me just as much about you.
- "I'm handsome/attractive/good looking." Why don't you let me be the judge. I will anyway.
- "My friends and family are important to me." Now THAT makes you stand out from the crowd.

4. A word about lying: Don't. If you say you're 5"8, and when I meet you it turns out you're 5"5, not only do I think you're short, now I think you're a short liar. If you're bald, don't post a picture from 15 years ago when you had hair. Don't list activities you haven't participated in since high school. Don't get your witty friend to write your profile and then show up with the personality of a garden slug. And don't waste my time if you have a girlfriend out west or a wife at home. I will find out. And I will not like you. At all.

There. I have just made the world a better place. Well, at least for me.

Bachelor #30

The thing about online dating is, I can fully understand why someone wouldn't want to post a picture. It's like a billboard for everyone you know to see, that says "Look at me! I'm single and I'll try anything to meet someone!" Yeah yeah, I know, the stigma's ancient history. And in my particular case, everyone who knows me knows damn well I'd do just about anything to meet someone. But still. All I'm saying is I understand.

But beyond that, deep down I harbour some feint hope that among the photo-shy there are dozens of highly attractive, eligible men who don't want to post their pictures not because they know as soon as you see them you'll run for the hills, but because they're very high profile and their success demands a little discretion. It's possible, right?

So when Bachelor #30 wrote to me without a picture, I was open minded. He said he was all the things I describe in my profile and more, but just wasn't comfortable posting a photo online. Naturally he'd be happy to send me one by email. OK, thought I. Nothing wrong with that.

So I give him my email address.

Does he send me a picture? No, instead I get a long email about how he spent his Sunday. He just wanted to be sure he had the right person before he sends his photo.

So I confirm it's me.

Does he send me a picture? No, before he can send his TOP SECRET photo, he needs to confirm that I won't send it to anyone and that I promise to delete it as soon as I see it. His privacy is of the utmost importance, you know.

So I promise I won't send it to anyone.

And I ask if he's married.

Does he send me a picture? No, he swears he's not married. But still no TOP SECRET photo.

Finally, after FIVE emails without a photo, at long last he sends it. I'd love to post it here, but after all, I promised. Fortunately my promise was limited to actually sharing the photo and I never said anything about mocking it on the Internet. Let's just say the picture appears to be taken by someone squatting directly beneath his nostrils, about an inch and a half away. If that's his best side, I think I'll pass. Actually, even if at a normal distance he's half decent looking, I think I'll pass.

Next.

OK, So Trolling Doesn't Always Work

Remember I told you trolling for men in bars actually works?

Well, maybe sometimes. Maybe Wednesdays are better for trolling than Fridays. Maybe trolling works better when you wear a skirt. Maybe you shouldn't go trolling when you are tired. Maybe trolling only works when the planets are properly aligned or the moon is full or maybe you need to tell the universe to serve you up a bar full of hot rich divorced men in suits.

I really don't know what the challenge was but J and I went to not 1, not 2, 3 or 4 but FIVE different bars tonight and barely spoke to anyone except a large round man with a comb-over who offered us his seat. Not a single Chianti was purchased for me tonight.

Here are a few of the prime samples of the male of the species we encountered this evening:

- Man wearing hockey jersey eating very large calzone
- Man with very large moustache (Note to all men out there still sporting the Tom Selleck: DUDE, LOSE THE 'STACHE!)
- Several twenty-somethings in chinos, afraid of their own shadows
- Loud drunk gray-haired men laughing at their own jokes
- Did I mention the round man with the comb-over?

Luckily I am one resilient little dater and can't be beaten down by one depressing evening. Even if it was a VERY depressing evening.

Trolling for Bachelors

You know how everyone says the last thing they ever want to do is attempt to meet someone in a bar? Well, here's a shocking revelation, at least for me: people actually do meet in bars. There are MEN there!

My two remaining single girlfriends (a short word here to all my formerly single girlfriends who have since become coupled, engaged and married: I hate you!) and I have become a smidge jaded with our online dating prospects, since between the three of us we have dated every eligible 40-something divorced dad in the city with a decent picture and a semi-literate profile. So we've decided to take the show on the road. Yes, we have VOLUNTARILY started going trolling for men in bars.

The first night my friend H and I hit a suburban bar known to be a single 40-something hangout. Or at least it was 3 years ago. The good news: we didn't have to buy our own drinks, and we each left with a business card. The bad news: there wasn't a man in the joint either one of us would have looked at twice, except to say, "Why thank you and sure, I'd love another."

The next night my friend J and I hit a popular downtown after work bar. Or at least it was 3 years ago. Ever get the feeling you're a little out of it? Anyway, after enjoying a dinner of free cashews and dried cranberries, we decided to wander the streets in search of another trolling venue. Yes, we have resorted to wandering the streets. A proud moment for a couple of 40-year-old mothers and professional women. But we did stumble into what has clearly become the NEW popular downtown after work bar. (Why does no one tell me these things?) Unfortunately, we were a little late and the dozens of men in suits who were there when we arrived left en masse shortly thereafter, but at least we were onto something.

So the next week, H and I went back. May I just tell you, this place is a serious find. I have never in my life seen quite such a favorable male/female ratio. And we're talking men in suits here, people! Droves of them! Once again, within minutes we were no longer buying our own drinks, which was fortunate in a place where a glass of wine costs $17.

H and I spent a delightful evening being plainly pursued by a trio of successful businessmen, all right in our target market. How often can a 40-year-old mother of two say she had multiple successful businessmen competing for her attention? Expect many future posts about trolling in bars. Who knew??

In the end, I left with plans to get together with a short but very attractive and charming Italian who calls me "bella" and would like to take me to Italy. Things are looking up.

Bachelor #29

I don't think I'm very popular with the staff at the Overpriced Dating Service. In the interest of helping them do their jobs -- and lord knows they do need help -- I try to make my feedback as specific as possible. So I call. A lot. And still, they continue to fix me up with dull, unattractive, prematurely middle aged, murse-carrying, hunting-and-fishing-loving, embarassing-to-be-seen-in-public-with trolls. Finally they admitted that the woman who first interviewed me left the company pretty much the next day. So they've been fixing me up based on a 1-page form and a polaroid picture. Well that seems reasonable, and worth $114 per date, wouldn't you say? So I made an appointment to meet my new director.

It went well. When she looked through my file she was stunned at some of the people they fixed me up with. Hullo! Has anyone been listening to me? But finally, it seemed, someone was. She swore she got it.

And, in fairness, Bachelor #29 was BY FAR the best of the overpriced bunch so far. He wasn't gorgeous but he was reasonably attractive. He was tall, fit, and well dressed. He was successful and kind and complimentary and easy to talk to.

Can you sense a "but" coming? Yeah, me too.

I wanted to like him. I swear, I tried. I even went out on a second date.

Here are the issues:

1. He told me how much money he makes. OK, maybe this isn't such a big deal, but I haven't told my best friend how much money I make. I'm thrilled for him that he does well for himself, really I am, but this is information I just don't need on our second date. I don't need to know about your embarrassing medical conditions, your bathroom habits, your shoe size, your dependence on Rogaine, or, thank you very much, how much money you make. Thanks but no thanks.

2. This is the biggie. I swear I'm not making this up: He says "All's." As in, "All's I know is..." And if that wasn't bad enough, he also says "eh." As in, "There was a lot of snow, eh?" I know this might seem minor to some people. After all, this is Canada, eh? But to me, it's like nails on a chalkboard.

I tried, really I did. But all's I know is he's just not for me.

Next, eh?

Bachelor #28

Sometimes, in dating as in life, you think to yourself, I'm going to try something different. The opposite of what I always do. It worked for George Kastanza, right?

So when the nice blonde man with the tattoo and the picture with his dog wrote to me online, I didn't think to myself "Not a chance, I'm never attracted to blonde men, I hate tattoos and I absolutely would never want to date someone with a dog." Oddly enough, against my better judgement, there was something I found likeable about him. Or so I thought.

The amazing thing about pictures is even when you've seen 8 different pictures of someone, you still really have no clue what they're going to look like in person. In pictures I thought Bachelor #28 looked sort of ruggedly good-looking and boyishly handsome at the same time. In person, I was pretty convinced he was made of plastic. Certainly his hair was.

But looks aren't everything. He could have made up for it with charm and wit. Instead he told me about his job as a project manager.

Next.

Bachelor #27

I just remembered! I forgot one of the stellar specimins offered up by the Overpriced Dating Service. We're a little out of sequence here but bear with me.

Now I've never worked for a dating service, so I can't profess to know the ins and outs, but by all accounts they're supposed to be matchmaking. Call me crazy, but in my humble opinion, I think they're supposed to use some criteria beyond male with pulse plus female with pulse = match.

So the big question in blind dating is, all too often, is it rude to meet your date, shake hands, and then say, "Sorry to waste your time coming out here but clearly someone was smoking crack if they actually thought I would go out with you." I mean, why waste an hour making small talk when you know in the first second that you never, ever want to see this person again?

Unfortunately even I don't have that kind of nerve. So I sat down with the large, geeky, hideously unattractive man and attempted to find things in common. He likes astronomy. Let me check ... nope, no telescope in my backyard. His son goes to a school where they wear kilts everyday, and likes it. Let me check ... would my son be caught dead in a kilt? Not bloody likely. Wait, he says he likes to read! I like to read! Oh, but no ... he likes to read about history and of course, astronomy. So close, but so far. He lives in the country, I live in the city. He likes to look like a giant geek, I don't.

Then we got to the topic of work. Amazingly, though not in a good way, we actually found something in common. In fact, we had both worked for the same company and knew a few of the same people. Oh goody. I can't wait for the emails I'm going to get about this.

And sure enough, this is what I got:
"Seriously? You went out with HIM?"
"What were you thinking?"
"You've got to be kidding? Why on earth would anyone fix you up with HIM?"

Which brings us back to the Overpriced Dating Service. The real question is, what were THEY thinking? Another outstanding use of $114.

Next.

Miscellaneous Online Bachelors

Naturally, a girl on a mission is focused, determined, and in my case, bordering on obsessive. So I've been Internet dating up a storm. Truthfully, I've only been on a couple of actual dates, but I've been conversing, or in some cases, attempting to, with more men than I care to admit to. I offer you these highlights:

- There are WAY too many 20-somethings to count. I am FORTY, people! FORTY! Do you hear me? Do you know what that means? It means I am WAY TOO OLD to be babysitting! If I were Demi Moore that might be a different story but I'm starting to think even she is looking a little ridiculous.

- There are WAY too many 50-somethings to count. I may be too old to date 20-somethings but that doesn't mean I'm ready to date senior citizens either. There has to be a happy 40-something medium out there, doesn't there?

- I think I may have dated ALL the men in this city. And it's a big city. I have now been on so many dates that I am unknowingly repeating myself. This week alone I chatted with two men only to discover I've already dated them. Yikes.

- Here's the thing about conversation: it requires two personalities. Admittedly mine is sometimes more than one person needs, but it's just not enough for two. For example, I wrote to one impossibly good looking man, and he wanted to chat on MSN. I'm not a huge fan, for just this reason, but he was hot, so I went along. Here's how the conversation went:

Me: So, what part of the city do you live in?

Hot Guy With No Personality: The west end.

What He Should Have Said And Seems Painfully Obvious: The west end. You?

Me: Don't know it well but I hear it's nice.

Hot Guy With No Personality: It is.

What He Should Have Said And Seems Painfully Obvious: It is. Where do you live?

Me: May I ask, what do you do?

Hot Guy With No Personality: I'm a consultant.

What He Should Have Said And Seems Painfully Obvious: I'm a consultant. But I swear, that doesn't mean I'm a grossly overpaid idiot. What about you?

Me, in a desperate bid to get out of the conversation: Is it me, or is this a really hard way to get to know someone?

Hot Guy With No Personality: It is.

What He Should Have Said And Seems Painfully Obvious: You're right. Maybe it would be easier over a drink sometime?

Me, because I am stupid enough to still want to go out with him even though he has no personality just because he's hot: Maybe it would be easier over a drink sometime?

I'm really looking forward to our date. I might bring a book.

Bachelor #26

I am back with a vengence. I will find a new boyfriend and I will find him fast.

OK, maybe not that fast.

Bachelor #26 was a downtown kinda guy. His online profile sounded hip and cool, yet sincere and mature. Bring it on.

We met for a drink in a pub in my neighbourhood. Turns out this hip, cool, downtown guy is actually a small town guy who just moved to the city. When he talked about helping his son with his homework, he said, and I quote, "We get 'er done."

All's I know is, I don't think they say "get 'er done" downtown.

Next.

Bachelor #25

OK, must start dating again. Must move on. The best way to get over one man is under another. And so on and so forth.

I found Bachelor #25 online. He had two pictures. One was great. The other, not so sure. But I must move on, damn it! So we met for the dreaded coffee date. I know, I should know better, but it just worked out that way.

Bachelor #25 was very nice. After dating someone who made me laugh so much my children had to tell me to keep it down, the last thing I wanted to meet was someone just plain nice.

In fairness, whoever followed Bachelor #24 didn't stand a chance with me, but Bachelor #25 wasn't getting too far on his own accord. He's 49 and doesn't exercise. I couldn't get the word "jiggly" out of my mind. Few things are less sexy than jiggling 49-year-old flesh.

So glad to be back to blind dates.

Next.

Bachelor #24

An amazing thing happens when the thing you fear most actually happens. Life goes on. And without the insane pressure to find a boyfriend, any boyfriend, before my 40th birthday, guess what happened? Not a month after the big day, I found a boyfriend.

And not just any boyfriend. Bachelor #24 was smart, funny, and the most adoring, demonstrative, expressive man I've ever encountered. He told me he was crazy about me after date 3. Every minute we spent together was amazing. I never laughed so much. It was heady and intense and romantic and exciting. We were planning things months ahead.

And then without a moment's notice he was gone. Because I actually liked him, I won't go into it here. But suffice it to say it has nothing to do with me or us or his feelings or our relationship. But in spite of all of that, my perfect, wonderful boyfriend is gone.

The last month since that day has been anything but funny. And believe you me, I hung on for dear life. I did everything I could think of and more to try to bring him back, to no avail.

So, relunctantly, shockingly, sadly, back to dating I go. Oh joy.