Bachelor #43

Ever get the feeling that you're banging your head against a wall, hoping to meet someone you actually like?

Last week, out patio-trolling, I met a sexy soccer-player. OK, not a professional soccer player or anything, but he plays soccer. And he looks like he plays soccer. After chatting for quite a while about, well, nothing I can recall, he asked for my number. He was charming, and did I mention sexy? So I gave it to him.

When he called, I was a little taken aback to discover that, charming though he was in person, he did not give good phone. I couldn't shake the feeling he was stoned when he called, almost too stoned to carry on a conversation. But hey, some people just aren't great on the phone, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

He called again the day of our date, this time in the middle of the day, and again, I'm almost certain he was seriously stoned. Now, as a confirmed recreational alcoholic, I'm not one to judge, but I was getting a bit of a maybe-a-bit-too-laid-back kinda vibe. And I realized I never asked him what, if anything, he does for a living.

So we met for a drink. Now, either it's a personality thing and he's just a really super mellow guy, or he is stoned, pretty much all the time. I'm guessing the latter. Again, my point is not at all a judgemental one. It's just that I have a job, children, a house, hell, a blog to update for that matter, and I find it a little hard to relate to a 42-year-old guy whose biggest worry is not running out of rolling papers. Sure, he was charming, in a I'm-so-stoned-everything-is-beautiful kind of way. Which is probably more fun when you're stoned too. But I was getting the feeling there wasn't a whole lot going on beyond the laid back charm. When I asked what he did for a living, he mumbled something about trying a couple things and not quite figuring it out yet. OK... When I asked about past relationships, he told me he'd tried settling down with a girl, but has decided it's not for him. Right... And you want what from me exactly? Yup, I thought so.

Next.

Adventures in Trolling Cont'd

Ah, at long last, spring is finally here. To some people, that means gardening and bike riding and the arrival of the ice cream truck. For me, it means new venues for trolling: patios.

So H & I decided to check out a couple of the popular ones. When I say "popular" you know we were hoping it means "popular with handsome, successful 40-something men," ever the optomists are we. Well ... there was no shortage of beer-drinking, ripped t-shirt wearing 20-somethings. But grown-up men? In the whole place there were 2 men in their forties, and both were sporting shirts buttoned low to reveal a nest of chest hair. Mm mmm. It must have been our lucky day, because these two charmers made a beeline toward us.

Now I may be free with the critiquing here, safely hiding behind my keyboard, but in person I am actually quite polite. As for H, well, it kind of depends on the day. This day was a GOOD one. Here's how the conversation went:

Man With Overflowing Chest Hair: Hi there.
H (and this is why I love her): Honestly, you couldn't pay me enough.

I swear, she actually said that.

So we tried another patio. The first two guys who approached us were cute, if you want to date teenage boys. Which is a teeny bit inappropriate when you're the mother of one. Thanks, but no thanks. Then, miraculously, a table of men who actually looked old enough to drink without fake ID and kept all their body hair neatly tucked away invited us to join them. Things were looking up. We hung around for a while, H didn't say anything scary, and the cute one asked for my phone number.

So all in all, not a bad night of trolling.

OK, So Trolling Doesn't Always Work

Remember I told you trolling for men in bars actually works?

Well, maybe sometimes. Maybe Wednesdays are better for trolling than Fridays. Maybe trolling works better when you wear a skirt. Maybe you shouldn't go trolling when you are tired. Maybe trolling only works when the planets are properly aligned or the moon is full or maybe you need to tell the universe to serve you up a bar full of hot rich divorced men in suits.

I really don't know what the challenge was but J and I went to not 1, not 2, 3 or 4 but FIVE different bars tonight and barely spoke to anyone except a large round man with a comb-over who offered us his seat. Not a single Chianti was purchased for me tonight.

Here are a few of the prime samples of the male of the species we encountered this evening:

- Man wearing hockey jersey eating very large calzone
- Man with very large moustache (Note to all men out there still sporting the Tom Selleck: DUDE, LOSE THE 'STACHE!)
- Several twenty-somethings in chinos, afraid of their own shadows
- Loud drunk gray-haired men laughing at their own jokes
- Did I mention the round man with the comb-over?

Luckily I am one resilient little dater and can't be beaten down by one depressing evening. Even if it was a VERY depressing evening.

Trolling for Bachelors

You know how everyone says the last thing they ever want to do is attempt to meet someone in a bar? Well, here's a shocking revelation, at least for me: people actually do meet in bars. There are MEN there!

My two remaining single girlfriends (a short word here to all my formerly single girlfriends who have since become coupled, engaged and married: I hate you!) and I have become a smidge jaded with our online dating prospects, since between the three of us we have dated every eligible 40-something divorced dad in the city with a decent picture and a semi-literate profile. So we've decided to take the show on the road. Yes, we have VOLUNTARILY started going trolling for men in bars.

The first night my friend H and I hit a suburban bar known to be a single 40-something hangout. Or at least it was 3 years ago. The good news: we didn't have to buy our own drinks, and we each left with a business card. The bad news: there wasn't a man in the joint either one of us would have looked at twice, except to say, "Why thank you and sure, I'd love another."

The next night my friend J and I hit a popular downtown after work bar. Or at least it was 3 years ago. Ever get the feeling you're a little out of it? Anyway, after enjoying a dinner of free cashews and dried cranberries, we decided to wander the streets in search of another trolling venue. Yes, we have resorted to wandering the streets. A proud moment for a couple of 40-year-old mothers and professional women. But we did stumble into what has clearly become the NEW popular downtown after work bar. (Why does no one tell me these things?) Unfortunately, we were a little late and the dozens of men in suits who were there when we arrived left en masse shortly thereafter, but at least we were onto something.

So the next week, H and I went back. May I just tell you, this place is a serious find. I have never in my life seen quite such a favorable male/female ratio. And we're talking men in suits here, people! Droves of them! Once again, within minutes we were no longer buying our own drinks, which was fortunate in a place where a glass of wine costs $17.

H and I spent a delightful evening being plainly pursued by a trio of successful businessmen, all right in our target market. How often can a 40-year-old mother of two say she had multiple successful businessmen competing for her attention? Expect many future posts about trolling in bars. Who knew??

In the end, I left with plans to get together with a short but very attractive and charming Italian who calls me "bella" and would like to take me to Italy. Things are looking up.